I am taking 10 minutes off

and having a latte (decaf with soy milk - does that count?) to try and ensure my head doesn't explode today.

I think that maybe I should just give up sleep completely until the move is done. Take yesterday. I had to get up at 4:30 am to drive my mum and the cat to Brussels (215 km there and then 215 back for those of you not used to the drive). At 3:18 I was still awake with my persistent "Canadian" cough wondering how I would cope with the drive. Then I must have passed out because at 4:42 my mum woke me up and off we went.

The cat is now safely in Montreal in my mother's bathroom awaiting her next move to the kitty spa on Thursday. She dutifully protested the entire drive to Brussels "a haute voix", but it was okay, I couldn't really hear her since it was pouring rain. POURING. She then proceeded to bite me as I tried to put the tranquilizers down her throat so she could have a nice zen flight home, but luckily a nice Belgian woman ahead of us in line said she could get them down her if I held the cat and sure enough - down they went and I swear the rotten little thing smiled at the woman to thank her. It's like my kids - they're so good for other people.

Drove home with some LOUD music, picked up a few groceries and spent the rest of the day getting what seemed to be huge amounts of things done (though looking at the house today I am not so sure) Got some stuff out, recycling organized, clothes washed - all this on 90 minutes sleep.

Of course, I got 1/2 way through my evening Kir Royal (I usually drink SO little this is a weird thing for me, but I hate to throw away the bottle of creme de Framboise, may have to leave it with Jitka) and had to be put to bed at 8:30. Where I apparently slept like a starfish and snored (I have sinus problems - not my fault!)and when Julia woke up screeching at 4 am was surprised to find Marc was sleeping in the guest room.

So - this morning, after a good 10.5 hours sleep I have been trying to get stuff done. Blood test, electrical thingamabobs for the lights we're selling, tried another used car dealer for the car that won't sell - and I feel a MESS.

So warning - the rest of this post might get messy because I feel pretty messy right now.

Stu set me off - he cried when I left him at daycare (I can't pack with him home, he wants to play attactiks all day). I feel so bad for him - I know this move is tearing him up and that he wants to stay in Luxembourg, but we can't. And I am spending so much time talking to him and understanding and loving him that I am scared we won't make it out of here. So I end up getting teary-eyed at the door of the daycare (nice! - can we blame that on low blood sugar since I couldn't eat before the blood test?). Bad start. A friend (who works at the blood clinic - so someone else to say goodbye to, something I am not getting better at) is dropping off a book about moving this aft which will hopefully help.

It's not just the impact of putting all our stuff in boxes and moving home to Canada. It's that we are LEAVING Luxembourg - a place that I love and dislike all at the same time. A place that has become home. I've been here going on 8 years. My kids were born here. I don't know how to say goodbye, and of course, me being of the BIG EMOTION variety of girl I am just not talking about it much and pretending that I am happy with this and that it's all just organizational stress etc.

Except to Marc who gets me in tears on the phone regularly with the question "Are we SURE we are doing the right thing?" He has the patience of a SAINT. He's given up an amazing job to go home with me. How he stays married to me is beyond me sometimes.

So let me say for the record that there are a million reasons I am glad to go home. And it seemed (at the time) like such a smart and obvious thing to do. So logical (I like logical). But now that it's almost time to go I feel like I can't go and... and... and... I think I have to stop writing or that little tiny grip on keeping it together is going to let go.

And I don't have time for that right now because I have movers coming in less than 48 hours and there is some kind of bomb that has gone in my house.

To work woman!!