not much to say

I don't seem to have much to say these days (again? still? who knows?)

I do have stuff to say, but none of it seems to need saying here. Or it's just too - um personal. Unrefined.

Or things that might not need all that interesting (you know - to my thousands of readers - ha ha!)

Like the kittens - how much they are growing. How much I adore them - which I didn't think I would. I really thought I was getting them for the kids and yet I find myself picking them up and muttering silly baby talk at them (do you see lonely old lady with cats in my future? Me too - scary). That I love being followed around the house. And how I could easily put the little rotters out of the house when they do their Olympic tryouts on my bed in the middle of the night.

And there is my baby - who had the nerve to turn 5 two weeks ago. Who won't stop growing. Who performed in a ballet show on a BIG stage at one of the Universities last week. Sure, she was only on stage twice for 2 minutes, but holy cow. When did she get so big.

And the boy? The boy gets dressed by himself in the morning. Sure, it's not always appropriate clothing (how on earth does he always find the only things I wouldn't want him to wear to school?) but he gets up, pees, brushes teeth, gets dressed. By himself. Without the pleading/nagging/beseeching of years gone by. And then pours himself half a box of Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast (there's a stock tip for you - at 7 1/2 he's eating us out of house and home already and Honey Nut Cheerios are his favorite thing right now).

My cousin had a baby - which has moved me this week. In ways I am not ready to talk about yet. Even to myself.

I am still grappling with our choice of school for the kids, second guessing, wondering, thinking I need to do something different. Remember when you just went to the local school for better or worse?

And what am I going to be when I grow up? I have 15 months until Julia starts Grade 1. Shouldn't I be doing something about that?

Hmmm. Maybe a shower and a second cup of coffee are in order this cold rainy morning.

See? I told you I didn't have much to say...

I am such a twit

I just updated my status on Facebook to

"Tracy is stressed because we haven't ordered flowers for the MIL yet. This is not good.(Now if I could ditch my bad attitude already and order them I wouldn't have to stress. I do know this.)"

And then? I realized that my husband's cousin is one of my friends. As in cousin who's parents live 2 streets from my in-laws. And he is friends with other cousins. Do you see a shampoo ad here or what? And he told two family members, and they told two family members...

Hopefully he has better things to do with his day than check my facebook status.

I have to stay away from facebook. Oh yeah, and order some damn flowers.

trying it on for size

I went back to see my therapist this morning, after a year-long absence. Things the last few months have gotten progressively hairier around here and I felt that perhaps I needed a bit of a space to talk to someone not involved.

She said something to me - something that I am sure has been said to me before but hasn't sunk in - that I am really trying to take away from the hour.

She said: "It's your job to keep them safe, not to make them happy."

Obviously this in reference to my children. And while I of course want to be the kind of mother that they are happy with, their emotions are their own. I can't control their moods.

In my constant need to assure myself of my children's happy, joy-filled, nurturing childhood experience I often lose sight of the fact that I can't be everything. And that I can't control everything and anything that might happen to them.

And often - far too often - I feel frustrated with them. With their failure to appreciate how much I do. How much I "sacrifice" of myself (and my sanity). And then, more frequently than I care to admit, I lose my cool. Which makes none of us happy.

So I'm going to work on that Safe thing for now. And see how it goes. I don't know how long I'll last but it feels like a bit of a relief to be putting down the burden of guaranteeing their happiness for today.