That black cloud obscuring your view? My bad mood.

I am sitting in my kitchen at 10:36 pm being very very grumpy.

For really no reason. Besides my children both being disturbed by things at school - not serious things! But things I can't fix for them.

Like Julia telling me quietly, oh so quietly in a tiny voice, that M whispered something in A's ear at school a while ago and they wouldn't tell her. It made me want to go over to M's house (who is the daughter of my good good friend who I love, though I am not so incredibly fond of her daughter who won't sit with my daughter on the bus most days - though she needs to be thought of as Julia's best friend all the time)to tell her to STAY AWAY from A - she was Julia's friend first. I can always tell when M is being mean (yes, I said mean, I am judging a 5 year old, it's my rant) because Julia suddenly doesn't want to go to school.

Have I mentioned this is Junior Kindergarten? These girls are 4 and 5. How I will survive high school I do not know.

And Stu. I don't even know where to start. He had pains in his stomach. The kind he gets when he is nervous he tells me. So I ask gentle probing questions to try and find out what is bothering him (I hope I have a daughter-in-law who appreciates this one day, his ability to discuss his feelings, because holy hell it just about does me in some days). After 25 minutes of who did/said/looked at who at every activity and nutrition break today (my brain disintegrating to mush) he suddenly bursts into tears over having to leave his stuffed animal that he is doing a project about at school. I soothed and figured he would sleep... no? NO. He is finally asleep in my bed. I am in the kitchen. I see something wrong with this picture.

I don't think my husband's schedule for the next few months helped my mood today. It's not that I am not supportive, understanding, yadda yadda yadda, but hello? I put it into my iCalendar today. And I think by the end of April (he's away for my birthday) I won't remember what he looks like.

And he's out tonight.

And it's my father's birthday. Or would have been. What do you call it for people who are deceased.

And it's February.

And I am tired of my diet (though it is going well).

And there were two people who ran my bell tonight - one selling chocolate bars. The other giving out free shower heads.

And my dishwasher just went on.

See, everything is ticking me off. (Yes, I am hormonally challenged, what makes you ask?)

I'm going to drag my cranky, miserable butt to bed.

I'm not usually ungenerous

We've all had the plague here for the past two weeks - well Marc and the kids at least. I only mention it because I am sleep deprived and perhaps not thinking clearly...

I just got an email from an acquaintance asking me for my babysitter's name and number and basically a reference for her so this person can start using her.

First of all - this is not a friend. It's the friend of a friend who I make an effort with but who really, probably isn't going to end up as a friend and I am fine with that. We attend some of the same birthday parties, our girls were on the same soccer team last year, that sort of thing.

The thing is? Our sitter is BUSY. As in we usually, with the exception of the rare Sunday afternoons when we have to take a child to the doctor at the same time that we have have to take the cat to the vet to be put to sleep, we usually have to book her plenty in advance.

Not to mention that our sitter? Lives about 10 doors down from this acquaintance and has for years (and that's 10 townhouse doors, so it's really close). When we moved home I went trolling for sitters on the street and found her. There's also about 4 other babysitting age girls within a 1 block radius.

I think my main hesitation is that this woman - who I really have nothing against - is quite, um, picky. You know, the kind that usually seems to find fault with things? And seems to be a little badly done by on a regular basis? If it doesn't work out I feel like I will be partially responsible for having vetted the girl.

It may just be the sleep deprivation talking but I don't feel like just handing over my sitter's number. I'm just not sure how to answer the email.

I know, big problems. The last two weeks have made me petty.

good-bye my friend

Yesterday we had to say good-bye to Denby our beautiful grey cat.

I am at a loss for what to say about her. She was beautiful. She was neurotic. She peed on carpets. She once ruined my favourite boots (which I am still not entirely past. I mean my BOOTS cat? What were you thinking?).

She was the cutest kitten that I have ever seen, and my grandparents used to have a dozen cats so I've seen a bunch. She would sit on Marc's head.

We had a lots of ups and a lot of downs together. There were days I loved her dearly and days that I thought we would have to get rid of her. But I never could have given her up.

Denby had mellowed with age. Since we moved into this house 6 months ago she had become a really lovely cat. She was affectionate. She let the kids pet her, kiss her. She slept on our bed - she would meow at us when it was time to go to sleep (for her at least). She took up sleeping on Stu's bed until he fell asleep - helping my restless boy to not stay up for hours.

About a month ago her appetite went a little wonky. We put it down to the change in her cat food. She was the fussiest of fussy eaters - a new improved version of a food could put her off for weeks.

Thursday morning she started to throw up. Thursday night at the emergency vet they couldn't find much. By Sunday we were back because she wasn't eating, wasn't drinking, wasn't moving.

She was going into renal failure. Her levels when the blood work came back were off the scale. We didn't have many options, not wanting her to suffer more.

She let me know she was pretty pissed off at the end. The growling that came from her toes. For a cat that hadn't moved in 3 days she had to be sedated to put the IV in to euthanize her.

I am glad we were there at the end. I cried those big messy tears that just run down your cheeks without you realizing that they are even falling.

Miss you my schmoofink.

Hello? Is there a brain in there?

Did you know it's Thursday?

Because it is. And I completely forgot. Which means I was not at the school to pack and deliver the milk for first nutrition break. Argh.

Before you worry about the thirsty little children in need of their calcium fix (which I am doing of course) let me reassure you that I have a very capable partner in crime on Thursday mornings who is more than able to handle the milk by herself. So there are no thirsty children I am sure.

Both of my children have fevers (and is that a tickle in my throat? Ugh. No, please no.) My beautiful little girl pulled a semi-allnighter. She got up at 3 am and didn't go back to sleep until after 6 am. And that after the cat tried to vomit on our carpet about 3 times between midnight at 3 am.

I am useless today. (I can't believe I forgot the milk.)

Thankfully this is the first time in a long time that this has happened. Back in Luxembourg it was common practice a few times a month. How I used to go to work and function I do not know. I couldn't do it now.

I need more coffee. Preferably delivered intravenously so it kicks in quick.