Freedom is for honest people. No man who is not himself honest can be free – he is his own trap. - unknown
People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I've learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one's reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one's master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person's view requires to be faked. And if one gains the immediate purpose of the lie - the price one pays is the destruction of that which was intended to serve. The man who lies to the world, is the world's slave from then on. - Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982)
Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment, full effort is full victory. - Gandhi (1869 - 1948)
The path to the truth is found in the spaces between the lies. - Rain Bojangles
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice; nothing is safe that does not show how it can bear discussion and publicity. - Lord Acton
No good ending can be expected in the absence of the right beginning. It is too late. - I Ching
Self-conceit may lead to self-destruction. - Aesop
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. - Seneca
When small men begin to cast big shadows it means the sun is about to set. - Lyn Yutang
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. - Louis L'Amour
Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. - St. Francis of Assisi
What the caterpillar calls the end the rest of the world calls a butterfly. - Lao Tzu
Wishing you all the best for 2010 - the hope and promise of a new year.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
watch this space
Wow - three months without a post.
I'd love to say that it's because nothing interesting has happened to post about. But that would be a lie.
For anyone reading this who does not already know this news - Marc and I are separating. It's been a tortuous couple of months. There is so much to say, and yet I haven't been able to say it here.
If I try to summarize it - be succint, to the point - we want different things. I want a family, a home life, to find what I want to do for the rest of my life - balance, peace. Marc wants a big career. These things are not mutually compatible anymore. It has taken me a long time to hear him, to hear what he is saying - that he can't do it anymore.
I just read a brilliant statement from someone over at the Women's Colony from someone who is going through something much more difficult than I am:
THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.
I'm on my way through. It's not a fun trip, the scenery sucks to be honest, but there is something on the other side of this. And I will be okay. As will my precious babies. They have an awesome mother you know (modest aren't I?).
So from me and mine to you - Happy Holidays. May you have wonderful times with your families and all the best for 2010. A new year, new opportunities.
I think On being European-ey has run it's course. I will be back - not sure where or when, but watch this space in January. I should be plenty stressed getting ready to move (3rd time in 2.5 years! Oi Vey!!) and I am sure I'll have something to say.
T
xox
I'd love to say that it's because nothing interesting has happened to post about. But that would be a lie.
For anyone reading this who does not already know this news - Marc and I are separating. It's been a tortuous couple of months. There is so much to say, and yet I haven't been able to say it here.
If I try to summarize it - be succint, to the point - we want different things. I want a family, a home life, to find what I want to do for the rest of my life - balance, peace. Marc wants a big career. These things are not mutually compatible anymore. It has taken me a long time to hear him, to hear what he is saying - that he can't do it anymore.
I just read a brilliant statement from someone over at the Women's Colony from someone who is going through something much more difficult than I am:
THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.
I'm on my way through. It's not a fun trip, the scenery sucks to be honest, but there is something on the other side of this. And I will be okay. As will my precious babies. They have an awesome mother you know (modest aren't I?).
So from me and mine to you - Happy Holidays. May you have wonderful times with your families and all the best for 2010. A new year, new opportunities.
I think On being European-ey has run it's course. I will be back - not sure where or when, but watch this space in January. I should be plenty stressed getting ready to move (3rd time in 2.5 years! Oi Vey!!) and I am sure I'll have something to say.
T
xox
Saturday, September 12, 2009
what do I say to that?
I just had the following conversation with my seven year-old son (who is going on eight in a few months):
Him : Phew, that was easier than I expected.
Me : What?
Him : Dealing with Julia. (sounding like he is more like 7 going on 38).
Me : Oh... okay... Um, Stu, thanks for telling Julia that you were down here, but you know it's Mama's job to deal with Julia right? I'm the grown-up.
Him : Well yeah...
Me : Stu - do you feel like you have to act more grown-up when Dad's away?
Him : (non-committal noise)
Me: Stu? You don't have to be a grown-up you know. I appreciate when you help me with things and try to get along with Julia, but you don't have be a grown-up.
Him : Yeah, I know... it's just that... when Dad's away and Nana's not here I feel like I am the Dad replacement. You know, so I have to act like an adult.
Ouch.
I explained that he doesn't have to but I am not sure he believes me. I gave him a really good answer about being a kid and that Mama was the adult etc etc etc... and he kind went "uh-huh..."
Then again, he just tattled on her. Sigh. The bickering is what I would LOVE to have them stop.
Him : Phew, that was easier than I expected.
Me : What?
Him : Dealing with Julia. (sounding like he is more like 7 going on 38).
Me : Oh... okay... Um, Stu, thanks for telling Julia that you were down here, but you know it's Mama's job to deal with Julia right? I'm the grown-up.
Him : Well yeah...
Me : Stu - do you feel like you have to act more grown-up when Dad's away?
Him : (non-committal noise)
Me: Stu? You don't have to be a grown-up you know. I appreciate when you help me with things and try to get along with Julia, but you don't have be a grown-up.
Him : Yeah, I know... it's just that... when Dad's away and Nana's not here I feel like I am the Dad replacement. You know, so I have to act like an adult.
Ouch.
I explained that he doesn't have to but I am not sure he believes me. I gave him a really good answer about being a kid and that Mama was the adult etc etc etc... and he kind went "uh-huh..."
Then again, he just tattled on her. Sigh. The bickering is what I would LOVE to have them stop.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I have a rock in my bra
No seriously, I do.
It's a blue aventurine crystal that is an Aries stone (I'm an Aries). It is a small, lovely, blue stone with soft smooth rounded edges. The best place to carry it is close to your heart - thus the whole bra-stuffing. It is supposed to help me through what is going on in my life right now.
Honestly? I think it's a bit weird, and after my mum and I had left the store I said "You know who I've turned into? Mrs R!" referring to the mother of a close friend who went through a phase with crystals and such and we all thought (with much respect) that she was one sandwich short of a picnic when she did all this stuff 20 years ago.
Hmmm. Don't you just love it when you think you know about something and it comes back to bite you in the ass?
Sorry Mrs. R.
It's a blue aventurine crystal that is an Aries stone (I'm an Aries). It is a small, lovely, blue stone with soft smooth rounded edges. The best place to carry it is close to your heart - thus the whole bra-stuffing. It is supposed to help me through what is going on in my life right now.
Honestly? I think it's a bit weird, and after my mum and I had left the store I said "You know who I've turned into? Mrs R!" referring to the mother of a close friend who went through a phase with crystals and such and we all thought (with much respect) that she was one sandwich short of a picnic when she did all this stuff 20 years ago.
Hmmm. Don't you just love it when you think you know about something and it comes back to bite you in the ass?
Sorry Mrs. R.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
explanation required
My sweet daughter woke up at 3:15 this morning.
I was up with her until 5:45, when I succumbed the heady combination of sleep deprivation/sinus infection and sent her in to her father and passed out in her bed.
Marc and Stu left for work/school at 7:30 and Marc put the tv on for her. No I am not proud, but hello, I figured it was one of the only ways we were going to survive today. I crawled back into my own sweet bed and passed back out until 9:15.
She is bright and chipper and talking a mile a minute. She has been up since 3:15. I on the other hand who was only awake for 2 1/2 hours of that time feel like I've been hit by a truck.
How exactly does this work?
I was up with her until 5:45, when I succumbed the heady combination of sleep deprivation/sinus infection and sent her in to her father and passed out in her bed.
Marc and Stu left for work/school at 7:30 and Marc put the tv on for her. No I am not proud, but hello, I figured it was one of the only ways we were going to survive today. I crawled back into my own sweet bed and passed back out until 9:15.
She is bright and chipper and talking a mile a minute. She has been up since 3:15. I on the other hand who was only awake for 2 1/2 hours of that time feel like I've been hit by a truck.
How exactly does this work?
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Day Two
2:30 found me holding me breath again.
When I dropped Stu off this morning he suddenly bordered on whimpery, half-heartedly dragging the bag of extra school supplies he had to take in. It was TOO HEAVY he whinged, and he couldn't possibly carry it up to his 3rd floor classroom. The bag contained 4 packs of loose-leaf and two kleenex boxes, hardly the two tonnes of bricks he was intimating it felt like.
But he came out smiling. His day was great. And while I have yet to get many details (besides the fact that two boys asked him, one right after the other heaven forbid if he'd had toast for breakfast... I am still working out what the problem there is) I am going to chalk this up to another successful day.
Marc, Julia and I went for an interview with her teacher. Who spoke to us for 35 minutes instead of the 20 minutes allotted. Who not once made me want to go home and take Valium (as opposed to crazy lady from last year). I think this is going to be am uch better environment for my kids.
Phew.
When I dropped Stu off this morning he suddenly bordered on whimpery, half-heartedly dragging the bag of extra school supplies he had to take in. It was TOO HEAVY he whinged, and he couldn't possibly carry it up to his 3rd floor classroom. The bag contained 4 packs of loose-leaf and two kleenex boxes, hardly the two tonnes of bricks he was intimating it felt like.
But he came out smiling. His day was great. And while I have yet to get many details (besides the fact that two boys asked him, one right after the other heaven forbid if he'd had toast for breakfast... I am still working out what the problem there is) I am going to chalk this up to another successful day.
Marc, Julia and I went for an interview with her teacher. Who spoke to us for 35 minutes instead of the 20 minutes allotted. Who not once made me want to go home and take Valium (as opposed to crazy lady from last year). I think this is going to be am uch better environment for my kids.
Phew.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Alien abduction
Stuart started his new school today. I have a wicked sinus infection (started antibiotics at lunch) so I was pretty much dreading it.
All the way there in the car he said he was nervous.
We got there and he told his teacher he was nervous. She leaned over and whispered "You know what? I'm a little nervous too." (I think I might love her).
The three of us went to pick him up after school. I know my brain is not clear in this current state of sinus crisis, but I think I was pretty much terrified of him coming out the door of the school. I am pretty sure I sprinted over to where he was as soon as he walked out of the door.
Me: Hey Stu! How was your first day?
Him: GREAT!! (he was grinning and almost jumping up and down)
Me: That's great! (Inside voice piped up with "did funny little green men take you away on a spaceship and brain wash you?" but I kept it to myself - barely)
Later I tested the waters again...
Me : So - do you still hate school?
Him: NO!!!! (again with the grinning...)
It wasn't perfect (someone called him Stuart Little but the teacher noticed he didn't like it so she asked everyone not to call him that... and he is satisfied that it has been dealt with...). But it was great. And I know we've still got a long way to go, but can I tell you that...
To my knowledge, my son has NEVER come out of school grinning and saying his day was great. Certainly not in the past two years, that's for dang sure.
Fingers crossed people. But I may be able to exhale for the first time since the 4th of June when I realized that his little world was messed up. Phew.
Oh and in other news - Stu's best friend who moved off our street but was still going to go to the old school for one more year? He changed schools too. Want to know who didn't change schools? The BULLY. He's back. I wasn't having any doubts about our choice, but for once it's nice to know I got my ducks lined up and made the right decision.
Exhaling....
All the way there in the car he said he was nervous.
We got there and he told his teacher he was nervous. She leaned over and whispered "You know what? I'm a little nervous too." (I think I might love her).
The three of us went to pick him up after school. I know my brain is not clear in this current state of sinus crisis, but I think I was pretty much terrified of him coming out the door of the school. I am pretty sure I sprinted over to where he was as soon as he walked out of the door.
Me: Hey Stu! How was your first day?
Him: GREAT!! (he was grinning and almost jumping up and down)
Me: That's great! (Inside voice piped up with "did funny little green men take you away on a spaceship and brain wash you?" but I kept it to myself - barely)
Later I tested the waters again...
Me : So - do you still hate school?
Him: NO!!!! (again with the grinning...)
It wasn't perfect (someone called him Stuart Little but the teacher noticed he didn't like it so she asked everyone not to call him that... and he is satisfied that it has been dealt with...). But it was great. And I know we've still got a long way to go, but can I tell you that...
To my knowledge, my son has NEVER come out of school grinning and saying his day was great. Certainly not in the past two years, that's for dang sure.
Fingers crossed people. But I may be able to exhale for the first time since the 4th of June when I realized that his little world was messed up. Phew.
Oh and in other news - Stu's best friend who moved off our street but was still going to go to the old school for one more year? He changed schools too. Want to know who didn't change schools? The BULLY. He's back. I wasn't having any doubts about our choice, but for once it's nice to know I got my ducks lined up and made the right decision.
Exhaling....
Saturday, August 29, 2009
change is in the air
Fall is coming - the days are cooler (or the pouring rain today) and you can feel that it's time for a change.
Change of school next week - my stomach is in small knots for the Stu. They were big knots until we went to pick up his school supply list yesterday and met his teacher. She is lovely. Lovely. I have a good feeling about this. Now let's just hope he clicks with some of the kids. It's hard sending him in there on his own, my sweet boy who can have so much trouble communicating with other people. I hope this school will help him to feel comfortable in his own skin.
I am tired of my blog - look at that hideous template (which I liked at the time, but that time was an insomniac night). I have been feeling like a fraud as of late - not so european-ey. My blog title almost mocks me, I think it's time for a change. A move to another title. Possibly even change from blogger. Hmmm. I have some long afternoons in the cafe around the corner from the school in my future. Maybe I will finally get my blog how I would like it.
Marc is touching up paint (legacy of bad contractor). Feels like moving on a bit. I am going to go and pack up all those baby gifts I never seem to mail and get them out the door. The wheels are turning... new school, new season, new, new, new... it's kind of exciting.
Change of school next week - my stomach is in small knots for the Stu. They were big knots until we went to pick up his school supply list yesterday and met his teacher. She is lovely. Lovely. I have a good feeling about this. Now let's just hope he clicks with some of the kids. It's hard sending him in there on his own, my sweet boy who can have so much trouble communicating with other people. I hope this school will help him to feel comfortable in his own skin.
I am tired of my blog - look at that hideous template (which I liked at the time, but that time was an insomniac night). I have been feeling like a fraud as of late - not so european-ey. My blog title almost mocks me, I think it's time for a change. A move to another title. Possibly even change from blogger. Hmmm. I have some long afternoons in the cafe around the corner from the school in my future. Maybe I will finally get my blog how I would like it.
Marc is touching up paint (legacy of bad contractor). Feels like moving on a bit. I am going to go and pack up all those baby gifts I never seem to mail and get them out the door. The wheels are turning... new school, new season, new, new, new... it's kind of exciting.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Well hello there!
Well it's been a busy summer - I've lost 30 lbs, jogged 15 km a day, my skin is perfectly clear, I look 10 years younger, the kids have been a joy to have around every single day, no bickering, it was almost too difficult to drop them at camp the few weeks they were there...
Yeah, no.
Not that it's been a bad summer, it's just been - busy. Busy in ways that have not involved any of the above-mentioned fantasies...
Busy in:
- finally going to small claims court for our settlement conference and paying the *(&*#&@*^(%#*^@_*#^%_^#*^_*^# contractor a couple of hundred dollars to go away. And spending the last 6 weeks feeling like a complete and total chump. But - he lied. He lied lied lied lied lied at the settlement conference (did I mention that we were the 4th in a group of people at a certain time and I had to spend close to two hours sitting in the waiting room with him? UGH). I didn't feel too badly when I left the court - I felt like I had taken the moral high road, he was a liar and a cheat and was going to continue to lie and cheat and obviously had been in this situation before and know how to muddy the waters - I would much rather be an honest person who was taken advantage of than be a slimy bastard like him. But it still stings that he walked away with even a dime more of our money. I just decided that he wasn't going to be fair or honest and the judge was about to decide that we had to go to a full small court trial - at which he could have lied further and who knows what would have happened. Slimy nasty beast. I just don't understand people who lie like that.
- two kids on holidays... overall it's been great. We've had lousy weather so it hasn't felt as much like summer as we would have liked. No sense in crying over bad weather. I'm nearing the end of my summer patience though - the bickering is getting to me. And J has not had any activities in August and is getting a little... she's a bit of a pain in the ass. Stu was at camp this week with his BFF (who lived on our street and then - sob - moved a 10 minute drive away). They both did swimming camp (different weeks) Stu did hockey camp (the last day they had a game and they "announced" them as they came onto the ice - too cool!) and J did ballet camp for 6 mornings over two weeks. Lots of packing lunches, snacks, bathing suits and sunblock.
- vacation! We spent a week in Prince Edward County, about a 20 minute drive from Picton. Loved the area. Ate lots and lots of good cheese, drank good wine and cider. There is an amazing new cheese maker there called Fifth Town that claims to be the greenest dairy in Canada and makes only Goat and Sheep cheese... great for this cheese lover with a cow's milk problem. Downside of the vacation had to be the really bad beds - hard as a rock, creaked so much if you so much as moved a limb (rolling over and/or getting out of bed woke the rest of the household. No joke.) It was wonderful to have Marc all to ourselves for a week (cell phone OFF! Only checked once a day!! No laptop!) We had the most beautiful afternoon at the Dunes beach at Sandbanks Provincial Park (gee, I should be linking all these things...)
- trying to start getting ready for back to school in 10 days. I am so certain that we are making the right choice moving the kids. Stu had been getting in our bed every night from March to the end of June. The day after school was over? He started sleeping through the night again (he's still up too late and wakes up too early, but you can't have it all, right?). I really had no concept of how much he hated going to that school every day. My poor little man. The kids in this area are really intimidating to him - we went to a local park with a splash pad last week and there were 4 kids (3 girls, 1 boy) of a certain background there, yelling, screaming, pushing, shoving, generally wreaking havoc as children of a certain background in this area always seem to be doing (with no parental supervision even though the two younger girls appeared to only be about 6) and Stu just really hung back, walked around the periphery, tried not to get involved... even Julia didn't want to go near them. This must be what he felt like every day at school. So I am glad we are changing schools. But can I confess something? I'm scared too. I'm worried about my kids fitting in, about them making new friends and being happy - and also about ME fitting in, making new friends and being happy... I've spent a lot of energy in the last two years to do what I could to settle us all in this neighbourhood and especially in the school and now I'm starting all over. Ugh.
- looking at houses... no, we are not moving. But I am quite disenchanted with our area. I feel like a fool for not seeing it before we bought this house last year. I am also dreading the drive to and from the new school - it will be about 20 minutes each way (could be more depending on traffic). When Marc is home he will take Stu in the morning and I will take Julia at 12:00 and be there to pick them both up at 2:30. Which doesn't leave a lot of time for doing much if I wanted to come home (not to mention the gas) and Marc is already scheduled to be away a lot in September. So a move closer to the school was so tempting but unfortunately far too far out of our budget. Our budget that just got a pretty serious overhaul in order to possibly afford moving sometime in the next couple of years.
- trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up - or more specifically a job that I can do mostly from home when Julia starts full days in September 2010 that will enable me to be home at the end of the day for them and be here in case they are sick etc... Everyone is telling me to start free-lance translating from home but my degree seems a million years ago and I am very intimidated. I need a lightning bolt (or some very good suggestions... anyone got any??)
- eating. Guess what? When I am: stressed, bored, irritated, worried, tired (etc... you get the idea) I EAT. I had been doing well with losing weight (I was down 23lbs in May) but I've fallen off the wagon and gained about 7 over the summer. I still weigh as much as I did 9 months pregnant. Bleah.
Other than that... hmmmm. Not much. Where on earth did the summer go??
Yeah, no.
Not that it's been a bad summer, it's just been - busy. Busy in ways that have not involved any of the above-mentioned fantasies...
Busy in:
- finally going to small claims court for our settlement conference and paying the *(&*#&@*^(%#*^@_*#^%_^#*^_*^# contractor a couple of hundred dollars to go away. And spending the last 6 weeks feeling like a complete and total chump. But - he lied. He lied lied lied lied lied at the settlement conference (did I mention that we were the 4th in a group of people at a certain time and I had to spend close to two hours sitting in the waiting room with him? UGH). I didn't feel too badly when I left the court - I felt like I had taken the moral high road, he was a liar and a cheat and was going to continue to lie and cheat and obviously had been in this situation before and know how to muddy the waters - I would much rather be an honest person who was taken advantage of than be a slimy bastard like him. But it still stings that he walked away with even a dime more of our money. I just decided that he wasn't going to be fair or honest and the judge was about to decide that we had to go to a full small court trial - at which he could have lied further and who knows what would have happened. Slimy nasty beast. I just don't understand people who lie like that.
- two kids on holidays... overall it's been great. We've had lousy weather so it hasn't felt as much like summer as we would have liked. No sense in crying over bad weather. I'm nearing the end of my summer patience though - the bickering is getting to me. And J has not had any activities in August and is getting a little... she's a bit of a pain in the ass. Stu was at camp this week with his BFF (who lived on our street and then - sob - moved a 10 minute drive away). They both did swimming camp (different weeks) Stu did hockey camp (the last day they had a game and they "announced" them as they came onto the ice - too cool!) and J did ballet camp for 6 mornings over two weeks. Lots of packing lunches, snacks, bathing suits and sunblock.
- vacation! We spent a week in Prince Edward County, about a 20 minute drive from Picton. Loved the area. Ate lots and lots of good cheese, drank good wine and cider. There is an amazing new cheese maker there called Fifth Town that claims to be the greenest dairy in Canada and makes only Goat and Sheep cheese... great for this cheese lover with a cow's milk problem. Downside of the vacation had to be the really bad beds - hard as a rock, creaked so much if you so much as moved a limb (rolling over and/or getting out of bed woke the rest of the household. No joke.) It was wonderful to have Marc all to ourselves for a week (cell phone OFF! Only checked once a day!! No laptop!) We had the most beautiful afternoon at the Dunes beach at Sandbanks Provincial Park (gee, I should be linking all these things...)
- trying to start getting ready for back to school in 10 days. I am so certain that we are making the right choice moving the kids. Stu had been getting in our bed every night from March to the end of June. The day after school was over? He started sleeping through the night again (he's still up too late and wakes up too early, but you can't have it all, right?). I really had no concept of how much he hated going to that school every day. My poor little man. The kids in this area are really intimidating to him - we went to a local park with a splash pad last week and there were 4 kids (3 girls, 1 boy) of a certain background there, yelling, screaming, pushing, shoving, generally wreaking havoc as children of a certain background in this area always seem to be doing (with no parental supervision even though the two younger girls appeared to only be about 6) and Stu just really hung back, walked around the periphery, tried not to get involved... even Julia didn't want to go near them. This must be what he felt like every day at school. So I am glad we are changing schools. But can I confess something? I'm scared too. I'm worried about my kids fitting in, about them making new friends and being happy - and also about ME fitting in, making new friends and being happy... I've spent a lot of energy in the last two years to do what I could to settle us all in this neighbourhood and especially in the school and now I'm starting all over. Ugh.
- looking at houses... no, we are not moving. But I am quite disenchanted with our area. I feel like a fool for not seeing it before we bought this house last year. I am also dreading the drive to and from the new school - it will be about 20 minutes each way (could be more depending on traffic). When Marc is home he will take Stu in the morning and I will take Julia at 12:00 and be there to pick them both up at 2:30. Which doesn't leave a lot of time for doing much if I wanted to come home (not to mention the gas) and Marc is already scheduled to be away a lot in September. So a move closer to the school was so tempting but unfortunately far too far out of our budget. Our budget that just got a pretty serious overhaul in order to possibly afford moving sometime in the next couple of years.
- trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up - or more specifically a job that I can do mostly from home when Julia starts full days in September 2010 that will enable me to be home at the end of the day for them and be here in case they are sick etc... Everyone is telling me to start free-lance translating from home but my degree seems a million years ago and I am very intimidated. I need a lightning bolt (or some very good suggestions... anyone got any??)
- eating. Guess what? When I am: stressed, bored, irritated, worried, tired (etc... you get the idea) I EAT. I had been doing well with losing weight (I was down 23lbs in May) but I've fallen off the wagon and gained about 7 over the summer. I still weigh as much as I did 9 months pregnant. Bleah.
Other than that... hmmmm. Not much. Where on earth did the summer go??
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I know I should trust my own instincts but...
This morning dropping Julia off at Kindergarten (Stu is still sick so no bus for us) I ran into the retired teacher from last year, the outspoken one who had been in Stu's class for several weeks when his teacher was so sick (read: burnt out). She was replacing one of the kindergarten teachers today and I just caught her as they were going in.
Me : Mme XX, I'm glad I ran into you. I wanted to thank you for the talk we had about Stuart.
Her : Well I really wasn't very discreet.
Me : No, I wanted to tell you how much it helped us. We've decided not to come back next year, we're changing schools.
Her : Good! I'm glad to hear it!
Me : We're going to take the kids to the Alternative school (and which one).
Her : PERFECT! What a great environment for Stuart! That's a wonderful decision.
Me : Oh thank you - that means a lot to me. We feel it's the right thing but your opinion means a lot to me.
Her : I think that's a great decision. And... I strongly suspect that he might be gifted. I would think about having him tested next year...
Anyhow, that's not the whole conversation, she also said it might Stu time to settle in and things might not change right away (his motivation) but all in all a great conversation... Not to mention she was a teacher for 35+ years and part of the committee that started our school board's gifted program.
I know I should just trust my own instincts, but honestly? I am a sucker for feedback.
Me : Mme XX, I'm glad I ran into you. I wanted to thank you for the talk we had about Stuart.
Her : Well I really wasn't very discreet.
Me : No, I wanted to tell you how much it helped us. We've decided not to come back next year, we're changing schools.
Her : Good! I'm glad to hear it!
Me : We're going to take the kids to the Alternative school (and which one).
Her : PERFECT! What a great environment for Stuart! That's a wonderful decision.
Me : Oh thank you - that means a lot to me. We feel it's the right thing but your opinion means a lot to me.
Her : I think that's a great decision. And... I strongly suspect that he might be gifted. I would think about having him tested next year...
Anyhow, that's not the whole conversation, she also said it might Stu time to settle in and things might not change right away (his motivation) but all in all a great conversation... Not to mention she was a teacher for 35+ years and part of the committee that started our school board's gifted program.
I know I should just trust my own instincts, but honestly? I am a sucker for feedback.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Dry those tears
The bump was a good, loud, resounding one.
Our dining room table is made of heavy oak. Pretty hard on a little head.
The tears were immediate - loud, big... a wail.
I bit my tongue - the tongue that after a long day with two under the weather kids and a travelling husband wanted to say things like: "I told you to stop chasing the cat!" and "What were you doing under there?!".
Instead I held her and rubbed slow circles on her back. Let fat tear drops fall on my foot.
"It h-h-h-HURTS Mama!"
One day what hurts her won't be made better by a hug and slow circles on her back. So I bit my tongue and held on to my baby and tried to commit the moment to memory.
Memory that I hope will help when I feel helpless to stop her tears in years to come.
Our dining room table is made of heavy oak. Pretty hard on a little head.
The tears were immediate - loud, big... a wail.
I bit my tongue - the tongue that after a long day with two under the weather kids and a travelling husband wanted to say things like: "I told you to stop chasing the cat!" and "What were you doing under there?!".
Instead I held her and rubbed slow circles on her back. Let fat tear drops fall on my foot.
"It h-h-h-HURTS Mama!"
One day what hurts her won't be made better by a hug and slow circles on her back. So I bit my tongue and held on to my baby and tried to commit the moment to memory.
Memory that I hope will help when I feel helpless to stop her tears in years to come.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
just because I got this far without my head exploding
So - it's been one of those weeks.
2 sick kids. Had to pack them into the car on Monday to head to Montreal (after driving back from Montreal the day before - lovely weekend en famille in a hotel thank you very much) to see my grandfather in the hospital. Where he'd been rushed. And he has decided that he is dying. Which at 92 isn't shocking except for the fact that he has always sworn up and down that he would live to be 105. And he is stubborn enough to do it (tough old Dutchman!). So that he is saying he's done? Yeah, disturbing. I did have a lovely visit with him though in case this is it, and I am thankful for that.
In Stu's class today I had the longest talk with his teacher. Who dropped the "You need to insist they test him next year, I think he's gifted" bomb on me. Huh? She even admitted that because he has such strong support at home (nice pat on the back for me) and she has had such a difficult class this year that he hasn't had enough attention from her.
So now - is Alternative going to be the best thing for him? Or not? And while I should wait until Marc gets home from Toronto to decide if we will pay the money to have him tested privately ($1900 thank you very much) I tried to go about making an appointment. Some doctors are taking appointments for NEXT APRIL.
Welcome to Canada people. We have a terrible medical system, thanks very much for asking. WTF good is 10 months from now going to do me making my decision right now?
And yes, I am talking VERY fast in my head and I AM overcaffeinated.
2 sick kids. Had to pack them into the car on Monday to head to Montreal (after driving back from Montreal the day before - lovely weekend en famille in a hotel thank you very much) to see my grandfather in the hospital. Where he'd been rushed. And he has decided that he is dying. Which at 92 isn't shocking except for the fact that he has always sworn up and down that he would live to be 105. And he is stubborn enough to do it (tough old Dutchman!). So that he is saying he's done? Yeah, disturbing. I did have a lovely visit with him though in case this is it, and I am thankful for that.
In Stu's class today I had the longest talk with his teacher. Who dropped the "You need to insist they test him next year, I think he's gifted" bomb on me. Huh? She even admitted that because he has such strong support at home (nice pat on the back for me) and she has had such a difficult class this year that he hasn't had enough attention from her.
So now - is Alternative going to be the best thing for him? Or not? And while I should wait until Marc gets home from Toronto to decide if we will pay the money to have him tested privately ($1900 thank you very much) I tried to go about making an appointment. Some doctors are taking appointments for NEXT APRIL.
Welcome to Canada people. We have a terrible medical system, thanks very much for asking. WTF good is 10 months from now going to do me making my decision right now?
And yes, I am talking VERY fast in my head and I AM overcaffeinated.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Monday's Drama Queen moment
The Catholic school FINALLY called.
Were in.
Crap. Now what do I do?
I'll fill in the paperwork in case we don't get our transfer approved.
Were in.
Crap. Now what do I do?
I'll fill in the paperwork in case we don't get our transfer approved.
Friday, June 12, 2009
An end to the drama?
So... yesterday I had a 20 minute phone conversation with the principal of our school. And felt much better about the situation. As in, I said what I felt, didn't sugar coat, didn't dismiss, made my point clear. And she said a lot of things that made me feel better (Stuart will be in another class for next year, the bully may be moving to Toronto) and we worked out an approach to how we are all going to work together on this issue.
But.
Yes, I still have a but. Because while this boy has been the main part of our problem, he's not the only part of our problem.
The best way i can describe it is when you decide to break up with someone. There's usually an incident that is the straw that broke the camel's back. One big thing that makes you mad enough to end things. But usually in getting to that stage you find other things to back up your actions. Little things that have happened etc. And then even if the BIG thing can be resolved, you've acknowledged all the little things and, as my friend Anne said this morning, THE LOVE IS GONE.
That's where I am. Yes, the bully is the biggest part of the problem, but he's not the whole problem.
The Catholic school won't return my calls. The other public school (the JK-8 one) was not able to accept cross-border transfers back in March when is when they should be able to accept them without issue. Getting in isn't looking good.
This morning I asked Marc to go to the Alternative school with me. I don't know why, it was totally spur of the moment, but something has been pushing me to go there.
I LOVED IT. Correction - WE LOVED IT.
It's a smaller school. A teacher on break volunteered to show us around. She found us the principal in a classroom who showed us around more, talked to us for about 20 minutes, took us to the library (the librarian shook our hands and gave us her personal guarantee that our kids would love the school - she was a character!), talked us through a day at the school, discussed their philosophy... I was in school l-u-r-v-e...
She told us about a Grade 4 girl who played her recorder for the talent show yesterday. For her second song she played Au Clair de la Lune - and announced that she was able to play it through her nose, so she would. The principal thought that was awesome. Music to the ears of a parent who has heard about her kids marching to the beat of their own drummer.
We didn't even need to talk about it - we got back to the office and Marc asked for the forms to fill out. We've done them - there is a chance we could be refused by our current school though. Ugh. Going to have to work on that one - I feel slightly hypocritical after yesterday's talk, but honestly I feel the alternative school is so much more what we are looking for and that my children will blossom there.
I am GIDDY. GIDDY GIDDY GIDDY.
But.
Yes, I still have a but. Because while this boy has been the main part of our problem, he's not the only part of our problem.
The best way i can describe it is when you decide to break up with someone. There's usually an incident that is the straw that broke the camel's back. One big thing that makes you mad enough to end things. But usually in getting to that stage you find other things to back up your actions. Little things that have happened etc. And then even if the BIG thing can be resolved, you've acknowledged all the little things and, as my friend Anne said this morning, THE LOVE IS GONE.
That's where I am. Yes, the bully is the biggest part of the problem, but he's not the whole problem.
The Catholic school won't return my calls. The other public school (the JK-8 one) was not able to accept cross-border transfers back in March when is when they should be able to accept them without issue. Getting in isn't looking good.
This morning I asked Marc to go to the Alternative school with me. I don't know why, it was totally spur of the moment, but something has been pushing me to go there.
I LOVED IT. Correction - WE LOVED IT.
It's a smaller school. A teacher on break volunteered to show us around. She found us the principal in a classroom who showed us around more, talked to us for about 20 minutes, took us to the library (the librarian shook our hands and gave us her personal guarantee that our kids would love the school - she was a character!), talked us through a day at the school, discussed their philosophy... I was in school l-u-r-v-e...
She told us about a Grade 4 girl who played her recorder for the talent show yesterday. For her second song she played Au Clair de la Lune - and announced that she was able to play it through her nose, so she would. The principal thought that was awesome. Music to the ears of a parent who has heard about her kids marching to the beat of their own drummer.
We didn't even need to talk about it - we got back to the office and Marc asked for the forms to fill out. We've done them - there is a chance we could be refused by our current school though. Ugh. Going to have to work on that one - I feel slightly hypocritical after yesterday's talk, but honestly I feel the alternative school is so much more what we are looking for and that my children will blossom there.
I am GIDDY. GIDDY GIDDY GIDDY.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Decisions, decisions
And the agonizing begins (I did warn of this in my last post... I knew it was coming).
I have spent hours on the internet looking at schools in this area and checking out their EQAO (Education Quality and Accountability Office - in other words the standardized testing for the province of Ontario). I've discovered the interesting information in their detailed 31 page reports for each school (I sense the Vulcan in me emerging - there must be something in their numbers that will speak to my search for the best educational opportunity for my children.)
I've pored over school websites and board profiles of the same schools. I haven't slept much for the last 3 nights.
Not that I have mild OCD tendencies or anything.
Now I have all this data and I have to start sifting through it. And figuring out what I think is best for my kids. And seeing what my options truly are - this post is really mostly an exercise in getting my thoughts in order.
I learned that our current school - while not doing badly on the EQAO scores - has a very high percentage of ESL students. 40% of households speak Arabic at home, 30% Somali, we have enough that speak Mandarin to have warranted us using a grant we got to translate some of the school documentation into Mandarin (We also did Arabic and Somali - I helped co-ordinate the initiative). Add to that any other languages that are spoken as a main language at home and I think we're probably down to less than 20% of families that speak English or French at home (the two languages of the school).
After much thought I have decided that maybe our school is a little too diverse - I like diverse, really I do. I welcomed it when we moved back here - we had so many nationalities living in Luxembourg and I had appreciated - for the most part - what they brought to the table (with the possible exception of Belgian drivers - woah... they redeem their poor driving habits with chocolate and waffles though). But our school is dealing with so many different cultures that it almost feels like a family with two many different personalities all wanting to be the centre of attention. Which may be fine for some people, but I find is not best for the Stu.
So my "options" for a new school are:
1) Another Public School Board school that is about a 10 minute drive. They have considerably lower ESL numbers than we do, and similar EQAO scores. Their site looks good, they have some great initiatives mentioned in their board profile (Anti-bullying! works for me!). I know someone who's daughter has started attending the school for Middle school and they seem to be happy - another plus for it is that it does run JK-8 so we wouldn't need to find an option for Middle School (our local middle school is a problem and this school was one we were considering for down the road).
Problem : I have to go and talk to them about a cross border transfer - which is usually done in February. They are a very popular school and hard to get into from what I've heard.
2) The Catholic school right around the corner. The kids could walk. There are kids on our street who attend. It has a very low ESL population. There is less French instruction, though I could (with some self-discipline) probably cover that off pretty well with the kids.
Problem: One of you needs to be Catholic. Neither of us is - they do take other students if they have the room, but there's a chance we wouldn't know until after school starts in September. And we need to discuss our interest with the principal (which I have been told is another way of selling ourselves to her) and she hasn't returned my call for two days.
3) An Alternative School in our Public System. Hear me out here. I've heard of this alternative school because my neighbour teaches at the nursery school/daycare on the premises and her 4 year old is going to go there for JK/SK. Looking at it I am intrigued. Lots of parental involvement, small classes, mixed classes. Mid-level ESL numbers. Mid-level EQAO. It looks like the "real deal" of Alternative schools. It's an environment that I think (if it's all it's purported to be) could be great for the Stu.
Problem: it's not the alternative school for our area (and that one? oooh no. It looks more like a dumping ground for problem children than a true alternative school). So again with the cross-border transfer. And it's a good 20 minute drive, in rush hour traffic. Which wouldn't be an issue in spring/fall, but come winter? Eeesh. That could be a killer.
I have to make some decisions in the next day or so. Cross-border transfers are closed until June 15th when they will be re-opened - meaning that I need to get mine in by Friday so it can be reviewed on Monday. And then? Then they need to contact our current principal to see if she will release us - which she can refuse to do. So I need to pick one of the Public Schools (I don't believe you can request 2 cross border transfers) and then try and explain to our principal that we want out. Which I think is going to come as a shock to her (I see her regularly and haven't said anything because this has just blown up).
And then the logic goes out the window... My son is asking to go to a new school but does he really want to? Or rather he WAS asking last week - this week doesn't seem so bad (yes, but for how long?) Am I imagining this whole problem? (NO). Should I be able to resolve this whole thing with better support for my kids at home? (Possibly - but I am already volunteering 2 mornings or more and we still have problems - I can't keep sleeping with my 7 year-old. Or picking him up 1/2 way through the day which has happened 6 times since Christmas).
Am I being fair moving them? Will they integrate well into another school? Will they (especially Julia) be crushed that all her little friends are still at one school when she's at another?
Not to mention pretty much my entire support network is made up of mothers at our current school. I'm a volunteer, I'm on school council. I have a lot of vested interest at our current school. This isn't going to be easy for me either.
Anyone have a crystal ball they can loan me? I need to see what the future holds.
I have spent hours on the internet looking at schools in this area and checking out their EQAO (Education Quality and Accountability Office - in other words the standardized testing for the province of Ontario). I've discovered the interesting information in their detailed 31 page reports for each school (I sense the Vulcan in me emerging - there must be something in their numbers that will speak to my search for the best educational opportunity for my children.)
I've pored over school websites and board profiles of the same schools. I haven't slept much for the last 3 nights.
Not that I have mild OCD tendencies or anything.
Now I have all this data and I have to start sifting through it. And figuring out what I think is best for my kids. And seeing what my options truly are - this post is really mostly an exercise in getting my thoughts in order.
I learned that our current school - while not doing badly on the EQAO scores - has a very high percentage of ESL students. 40% of households speak Arabic at home, 30% Somali, we have enough that speak Mandarin to have warranted us using a grant we got to translate some of the school documentation into Mandarin (We also did Arabic and Somali - I helped co-ordinate the initiative). Add to that any other languages that are spoken as a main language at home and I think we're probably down to less than 20% of families that speak English or French at home (the two languages of the school).
After much thought I have decided that maybe our school is a little too diverse - I like diverse, really I do. I welcomed it when we moved back here - we had so many nationalities living in Luxembourg and I had appreciated - for the most part - what they brought to the table (with the possible exception of Belgian drivers - woah... they redeem their poor driving habits with chocolate and waffles though). But our school is dealing with so many different cultures that it almost feels like a family with two many different personalities all wanting to be the centre of attention. Which may be fine for some people, but I find is not best for the Stu.
So my "options" for a new school are:
1) Another Public School Board school that is about a 10 minute drive. They have considerably lower ESL numbers than we do, and similar EQAO scores. Their site looks good, they have some great initiatives mentioned in their board profile (Anti-bullying! works for me!). I know someone who's daughter has started attending the school for Middle school and they seem to be happy - another plus for it is that it does run JK-8 so we wouldn't need to find an option for Middle School (our local middle school is a problem and this school was one we were considering for down the road).
Problem : I have to go and talk to them about a cross border transfer - which is usually done in February. They are a very popular school and hard to get into from what I've heard.
2) The Catholic school right around the corner. The kids could walk. There are kids on our street who attend. It has a very low ESL population. There is less French instruction, though I could (with some self-discipline) probably cover that off pretty well with the kids.
Problem: One of you needs to be Catholic. Neither of us is - they do take other students if they have the room, but there's a chance we wouldn't know until after school starts in September. And we need to discuss our interest with the principal (which I have been told is another way of selling ourselves to her) and she hasn't returned my call for two days.
3) An Alternative School in our Public System. Hear me out here. I've heard of this alternative school because my neighbour teaches at the nursery school/daycare on the premises and her 4 year old is going to go there for JK/SK. Looking at it I am intrigued. Lots of parental involvement, small classes, mixed classes. Mid-level ESL numbers. Mid-level EQAO. It looks like the "real deal" of Alternative schools. It's an environment that I think (if it's all it's purported to be) could be great for the Stu.
Problem: it's not the alternative school for our area (and that one? oooh no. It looks more like a dumping ground for problem children than a true alternative school). So again with the cross-border transfer. And it's a good 20 minute drive, in rush hour traffic. Which wouldn't be an issue in spring/fall, but come winter? Eeesh. That could be a killer.
I have to make some decisions in the next day or so. Cross-border transfers are closed until June 15th when they will be re-opened - meaning that I need to get mine in by Friday so it can be reviewed on Monday. And then? Then they need to contact our current principal to see if she will release us - which she can refuse to do. So I need to pick one of the Public Schools (I don't believe you can request 2 cross border transfers) and then try and explain to our principal that we want out. Which I think is going to come as a shock to her (I see her regularly and haven't said anything because this has just blown up).
And then the logic goes out the window... My son is asking to go to a new school but does he really want to? Or rather he WAS asking last week - this week doesn't seem so bad (yes, but for how long?) Am I imagining this whole problem? (NO). Should I be able to resolve this whole thing with better support for my kids at home? (Possibly - but I am already volunteering 2 mornings or more and we still have problems - I can't keep sleeping with my 7 year-old. Or picking him up 1/2 way through the day which has happened 6 times since Christmas).
Am I being fair moving them? Will they integrate well into another school? Will they (especially Julia) be crushed that all her little friends are still at one school when she's at another?
Not to mention pretty much my entire support network is made up of mothers at our current school. I'm a volunteer, I'm on school council. I have a lot of vested interest at our current school. This isn't going to be easy for me either.
Anyone have a crystal ball they can loan me? I need to see what the future holds.
Friday, June 05, 2009
the problem with school
It is 3:40 a.m. and I have been awake for nearly 2 hours, going over our issue with the school the kids are currently at.
More specifically with Stuart's issue. And trying to break it down to it's most simple form. Which is that there is a bully in his class and he is being bullied.
I've known this for months I suppose. There are just so many other issues clouding the matter - Stuart's sensitivity that can be overwhelming being one of them.
I was about to get off point again and tell you about his sensitivity and how it affects me, but this is not about me. This is about the Stu.
There is a boy in his class who is bullying him. A few months ago, during a particularly awful week when Marc was away and the world seemed to have it in for us, I wrote briefly about the bullying in class but I never followed up (with myself mostly) about what happened.
The boy in question is a shit disturber. I was loathe to label a 7 year old boy "bad" but you know what? HE IS.
And for the intents and purposes of this post I am going to refer to him as "the bully" - because you know what? It's going to make me feel better.
Back in March Stuart got off the bus one day and said "The bully told me that at recess tomorrow I wouldn't be laughing, I'd be crying and bleeding." and then proceeded to tell me that the bully had people to help him with this - kids from the Special Ed class that he had recruited to help him. (I am not in any way trying to label special needs kids - but the ones at our school are HUGE. Some are as big as I am and do not seem to suffer from many physical problems. I know, send me hate mail, but it is what it is).
Long and short of the story - Stuart had told on the bully. Following the school rules that are posted everywhere, he had a problem with this shit disturbing kid and when he couldn't resolve it he got an adult. These kids are 7 - this is what we tell them to do over and over again.
So I went to school the next day. I went to try and catch his teacher before class to talk to her. She wasn't in class and by the time I found her she was bringing the kids in. She knew something of the problem and had me talk to the bully about what he had said/done. He started screaming and shouting that it wasn't his fault (one of the Special Ed kids told him to say it to Stuart if he didn't want to get beaten up etc etc).
From the class I went to the Vice-Principal - the Principal was away. She said she would handle it. I did see her talking with some boys from Special Ed (their class is next to Julia's where I was volunteering) but that was it.
It turned out that there was another boy who had also been threatened - I had called his mother the night of the incident and we discussed it at length and her husband called the school. When Marc got back from his trip he called the school too. The only answer we seemed to get was that i thad been handled. No follow up. No punishment that we were aware of, other than having to walk with the Vice Principal at recess.
It seemed to settle down though until a few weeks ago. I went on a field trip with the class and this boy wanted to be in my group. I had a group of 5 boys (one of them on the wild side) and I looked at the teacher. She told me to try it if I was willing to and told him that she was watching him. We made it as far as the cloakroom before he had head-butted another child in my group because he was "pretend" wrestling - I told him to get out of the cloakroom, he screamed it wasn't his fault it was an accident and the teacher came in and dragged him out. The looks he gave me for the next 1/2 hour were so full of hatred - have you ever felt uncomfortable from a 7 year-old glaring at you like he was going to take you out back and beat the crap out of you? It's not fun ( I should probably mention that he is only about 6 inches shorter than me and probably weighs what I do - the kid is HUGE).
Last week getting off the bus one of the other kids asked the Stu why he'd been in the VP's office. When questioned he revealed that the bully had gone up to his friend (same sweet kid as the head-butting at the museum) and knocked him over at recess and proceeded to throw his legs over his head like a wrestler. Stuart told me that he had to "testify" because he had been there and saw what happened. TESTIFY.
Later last week the bully kicked another kid in the class in the rear end. Ended up at he VP's office. Within an hour he was back in her office for showing another boy his privates in the bathroom. There have been more and more little stories coming out, and bits of info I've gleaned from listening lots and asking questions in passing (along the lines of "how do you feel about having to go to the VP's office?" etc etc). The pieces really started to fall into place
Since March - the whole "bleeding and crying" incident - the Stu has been getting into our bed almost every night. And unable to fall asleep unless I am in his bed. Now if you have been around to hear me moan for the past 7 1/2 years you'll know that the Stu has never been the best of sleepers. As a newborn in the hospital the nurse told me "I've never seen a baby this age fight sleep!" We've had other sleep disturbances over the years. I put it down to Marc traveling (and my poor mothering skills, which is what I always blame) but then today I realized that hey! Maybe it's school. (I know, I'm slow on the uptake).
Yesterday was the icing on the cake. Every year the school does a 2km walk for Cancer. It's a really special day in honour of a boy who died of cancer at the school 11 years ago. Yesterday was particularly moving because the boy had been in Grade 2 when he died and had Madame as a teacher (so same age/same teacher). I walked with the class, as did a few other mums, including the bully's who was pushing her 3 months old baby in a stroller. Her presence did nothing to calm him down.
After the walk there was a hot dog lunch in the park across the street. It took a while to be served and the kids were playing games. And the bully was cheating (I saw him myself). Other kids were "telling" on him, but if course it was the Stu that he shoved out of the way in a race so he lost, and the Stu burst into tears. And that's when the shit hit the fan - the bully screaming that he hadn't touched the Stu, that he was lying, that every time something happened to the Stu that he got blamed, and on and on and on and on and on... the teacher put him aside and another mother - a much cooler mother than I am, with cool dreadlocks and a hip attitude - came to talk to him, told him he needed to calm down or he was going to die of high blood pressure one day, that it didn't matter etc etc etc... eventually he settled down a bit, but had to be put out of two other games before the hot dogs were being served.
It was honestly like the pieces of a puzzle starting to fall into place. I saw this kid screaming. I heard the teacher getting frustrated (she has been off a lot lately, she's getting burnt out by this class). I heard her say something like "Oh the two of you today - it's just not working!" - about the bully and MY SON (who was just getting upset about being pushed). I took a big step back - I too had been trying to reason with the bully, explain to him that even if he didn't think he'd pushed Stuart that he had to realize that he'd knocked him out of the way by accident etc etc etc etc. I took a step back and took my son, who was still on the verge of tears complaining that he was hungry and generally on the brink of losing it, and walked away. I went to find Julia. We walked around a bit. I just hung out with him. I finally clued in to the stress he's been under at school with this boy pushing his buttons all the time.
Just before lunch was served another mum in the class came to talk to me about the bully. Her daughter is a very shy little girl who has been in Stu's class for two years and who I had not met before, but had been talking to off and on all morning (and liking). She commented that the bully was a problem. And told me that the school has a problem dealing with him because every time a teacher disciplines him in a way to try and deal with his behaviour they call and complain. They claim that he is being unfairly treated.
Now - I need to tell you something about this boy. We live in an area that has become very multicultural. And the bully is Somali. I don't even want to touch this one with a 10 foot pole, but honestly? If he was white he wouldn't be getting away with all this. I have seen that the children from families with parents that are involved are treated much more strictly than those with parents that are seen as "new" to Canada or who might be suffering from "cultural differences" (not that they aren't, and I am really very open to cultural differences, just not ones that mean my kids can be bullied because someone else's family doesn't have common respect for people. The end).
The bully is disruptive in class. He is aggressive and has anger issues. He has no respect for anyone in a position of authority. He is foul mouthed. He is - in my opinion - BAD.
I know - he's 7. I know. I've been making excuses for him since last year (last year when he thankfully was in another class). I too have said that he's got a good heart underneath (he was playing me too). I too have given him the "cultural differences" card to play - but honestly? It's his 3rd year in this school - if he can pick up video games, wrestling, pizza et all from our culture should he not be able to pick up some of the not so subtle school rules and maybe learn a little respect?
And so we have begun the saga (because it's me, I overdo these things) of looking for a new school. I know - seems drastic. But there are two such boys in the Stu's grade. They can't be in the same class, so we will always be stuck with one of them. Last year the other one was an issue (not to the same extent). As Marc put it last night, we either just move the kids or we can try and fight with the school over this, which will ultimately just have us labeled as racist and be a waste of time that we could use in better ways - and that there will be very little change if any.
So - my most simple form of the problem ended up being very long winded (phew, getting some stuff off my chest!). But it boils down to:
My son is being bullied at school. Wether or not he is too sensitive to this bully pushing his buttons is irrelevant. I feel his education and his happiness are being compromised by this kid. The school is not handling it and I can't let this situation go on.
The end.
More specifically with Stuart's issue. And trying to break it down to it's most simple form. Which is that there is a bully in his class and he is being bullied.
I've known this for months I suppose. There are just so many other issues clouding the matter - Stuart's sensitivity that can be overwhelming being one of them.
I was about to get off point again and tell you about his sensitivity and how it affects me, but this is not about me. This is about the Stu.
There is a boy in his class who is bullying him. A few months ago, during a particularly awful week when Marc was away and the world seemed to have it in for us, I wrote briefly about the bullying in class but I never followed up (with myself mostly) about what happened.
The boy in question is a shit disturber. I was loathe to label a 7 year old boy "bad" but you know what? HE IS.
And for the intents and purposes of this post I am going to refer to him as "the bully" - because you know what? It's going to make me feel better.
Back in March Stuart got off the bus one day and said "The bully told me that at recess tomorrow I wouldn't be laughing, I'd be crying and bleeding." and then proceeded to tell me that the bully had people to help him with this - kids from the Special Ed class that he had recruited to help him. (I am not in any way trying to label special needs kids - but the ones at our school are HUGE. Some are as big as I am and do not seem to suffer from many physical problems. I know, send me hate mail, but it is what it is).
Long and short of the story - Stuart had told on the bully. Following the school rules that are posted everywhere, he had a problem with this shit disturbing kid and when he couldn't resolve it he got an adult. These kids are 7 - this is what we tell them to do over and over again.
So I went to school the next day. I went to try and catch his teacher before class to talk to her. She wasn't in class and by the time I found her she was bringing the kids in. She knew something of the problem and had me talk to the bully about what he had said/done. He started screaming and shouting that it wasn't his fault (one of the Special Ed kids told him to say it to Stuart if he didn't want to get beaten up etc etc).
From the class I went to the Vice-Principal - the Principal was away. She said she would handle it. I did see her talking with some boys from Special Ed (their class is next to Julia's where I was volunteering) but that was it.
It turned out that there was another boy who had also been threatened - I had called his mother the night of the incident and we discussed it at length and her husband called the school. When Marc got back from his trip he called the school too. The only answer we seemed to get was that i thad been handled. No follow up. No punishment that we were aware of, other than having to walk with the Vice Principal at recess.
It seemed to settle down though until a few weeks ago. I went on a field trip with the class and this boy wanted to be in my group. I had a group of 5 boys (one of them on the wild side) and I looked at the teacher. She told me to try it if I was willing to and told him that she was watching him. We made it as far as the cloakroom before he had head-butted another child in my group because he was "pretend" wrestling - I told him to get out of the cloakroom, he screamed it wasn't his fault it was an accident and the teacher came in and dragged him out. The looks he gave me for the next 1/2 hour were so full of hatred - have you ever felt uncomfortable from a 7 year-old glaring at you like he was going to take you out back and beat the crap out of you? It's not fun ( I should probably mention that he is only about 6 inches shorter than me and probably weighs what I do - the kid is HUGE).
Last week getting off the bus one of the other kids asked the Stu why he'd been in the VP's office. When questioned he revealed that the bully had gone up to his friend (same sweet kid as the head-butting at the museum) and knocked him over at recess and proceeded to throw his legs over his head like a wrestler. Stuart told me that he had to "testify" because he had been there and saw what happened. TESTIFY.
Later last week the bully kicked another kid in the class in the rear end. Ended up at he VP's office. Within an hour he was back in her office for showing another boy his privates in the bathroom. There have been more and more little stories coming out, and bits of info I've gleaned from listening lots and asking questions in passing (along the lines of "how do you feel about having to go to the VP's office?" etc etc). The pieces really started to fall into place
Since March - the whole "bleeding and crying" incident - the Stu has been getting into our bed almost every night. And unable to fall asleep unless I am in his bed. Now if you have been around to hear me moan for the past 7 1/2 years you'll know that the Stu has never been the best of sleepers. As a newborn in the hospital the nurse told me "I've never seen a baby this age fight sleep!" We've had other sleep disturbances over the years. I put it down to Marc traveling (and my poor mothering skills, which is what I always blame) but then today I realized that hey! Maybe it's school. (I know, I'm slow on the uptake).
Yesterday was the icing on the cake. Every year the school does a 2km walk for Cancer. It's a really special day in honour of a boy who died of cancer at the school 11 years ago. Yesterday was particularly moving because the boy had been in Grade 2 when he died and had Madame as a teacher (so same age/same teacher). I walked with the class, as did a few other mums, including the bully's who was pushing her 3 months old baby in a stroller. Her presence did nothing to calm him down.
After the walk there was a hot dog lunch in the park across the street. It took a while to be served and the kids were playing games. And the bully was cheating (I saw him myself). Other kids were "telling" on him, but if course it was the Stu that he shoved out of the way in a race so he lost, and the Stu burst into tears. And that's when the shit hit the fan - the bully screaming that he hadn't touched the Stu, that he was lying, that every time something happened to the Stu that he got blamed, and on and on and on and on and on... the teacher put him aside and another mother - a much cooler mother than I am, with cool dreadlocks and a hip attitude - came to talk to him, told him he needed to calm down or he was going to die of high blood pressure one day, that it didn't matter etc etc etc... eventually he settled down a bit, but had to be put out of two other games before the hot dogs were being served.
It was honestly like the pieces of a puzzle starting to fall into place. I saw this kid screaming. I heard the teacher getting frustrated (she has been off a lot lately, she's getting burnt out by this class). I heard her say something like "Oh the two of you today - it's just not working!" - about the bully and MY SON (who was just getting upset about being pushed). I took a big step back - I too had been trying to reason with the bully, explain to him that even if he didn't think he'd pushed Stuart that he had to realize that he'd knocked him out of the way by accident etc etc etc etc. I took a step back and took my son, who was still on the verge of tears complaining that he was hungry and generally on the brink of losing it, and walked away. I went to find Julia. We walked around a bit. I just hung out with him. I finally clued in to the stress he's been under at school with this boy pushing his buttons all the time.
Just before lunch was served another mum in the class came to talk to me about the bully. Her daughter is a very shy little girl who has been in Stu's class for two years and who I had not met before, but had been talking to off and on all morning (and liking). She commented that the bully was a problem. And told me that the school has a problem dealing with him because every time a teacher disciplines him in a way to try and deal with his behaviour they call and complain. They claim that he is being unfairly treated.
Now - I need to tell you something about this boy. We live in an area that has become very multicultural. And the bully is Somali. I don't even want to touch this one with a 10 foot pole, but honestly? If he was white he wouldn't be getting away with all this. I have seen that the children from families with parents that are involved are treated much more strictly than those with parents that are seen as "new" to Canada or who might be suffering from "cultural differences" (not that they aren't, and I am really very open to cultural differences, just not ones that mean my kids can be bullied because someone else's family doesn't have common respect for people. The end).
The bully is disruptive in class. He is aggressive and has anger issues. He has no respect for anyone in a position of authority. He is foul mouthed. He is - in my opinion - BAD.
I know - he's 7. I know. I've been making excuses for him since last year (last year when he thankfully was in another class). I too have said that he's got a good heart underneath (he was playing me too). I too have given him the "cultural differences" card to play - but honestly? It's his 3rd year in this school - if he can pick up video games, wrestling, pizza et all from our culture should he not be able to pick up some of the not so subtle school rules and maybe learn a little respect?
And so we have begun the saga (because it's me, I overdo these things) of looking for a new school. I know - seems drastic. But there are two such boys in the Stu's grade. They can't be in the same class, so we will always be stuck with one of them. Last year the other one was an issue (not to the same extent). As Marc put it last night, we either just move the kids or we can try and fight with the school over this, which will ultimately just have us labeled as racist and be a waste of time that we could use in better ways - and that there will be very little change if any.
So - my most simple form of the problem ended up being very long winded (phew, getting some stuff off my chest!). But it boils down to:
My son is being bullied at school. Wether or not he is too sensitive to this bully pushing his buttons is irrelevant. I feel his education and his happiness are being compromised by this kid. The school is not handling it and I can't let this situation go on.
The end.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
not much to say
I don't seem to have much to say these days (again? still? who knows?)
I do have stuff to say, but none of it seems to need saying here. Or it's just too - um personal. Unrefined.
Or things that might not need all that interesting (you know - to my thousands of readers - ha ha!)
Like the kittens - how much they are growing. How much I adore them - which I didn't think I would. I really thought I was getting them for the kids and yet I find myself picking them up and muttering silly baby talk at them (do you see lonely old lady with cats in my future? Me too - scary). That I love being followed around the house. And how I could easily put the little rotters out of the house when they do their Olympic tryouts on my bed in the middle of the night.
And there is my baby - who had the nerve to turn 5 two weeks ago. Who won't stop growing. Who performed in a ballet show on a BIG stage at one of the Universities last week. Sure, she was only on stage twice for 2 minutes, but holy cow. When did she get so big.
And the boy? The boy gets dressed by himself in the morning. Sure, it's not always appropriate clothing (how on earth does he always find the only things I wouldn't want him to wear to school?) but he gets up, pees, brushes teeth, gets dressed. By himself. Without the pleading/nagging/beseeching of years gone by. And then pours himself half a box of Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast (there's a stock tip for you - at 7 1/2 he's eating us out of house and home already and Honey Nut Cheerios are his favorite thing right now).
My cousin had a baby - which has moved me this week. In ways I am not ready to talk about yet. Even to myself.
I am still grappling with our choice of school for the kids, second guessing, wondering, thinking I need to do something different. Remember when you just went to the local school for better or worse?
And what am I going to be when I grow up? I have 15 months until Julia starts Grade 1. Shouldn't I be doing something about that?
Hmmm. Maybe a shower and a second cup of coffee are in order this cold rainy morning.
See? I told you I didn't have much to say...
I do have stuff to say, but none of it seems to need saying here. Or it's just too - um personal. Unrefined.
Or things that might not need all that interesting (you know - to my thousands of readers - ha ha!)
Like the kittens - how much they are growing. How much I adore them - which I didn't think I would. I really thought I was getting them for the kids and yet I find myself picking them up and muttering silly baby talk at them (do you see lonely old lady with cats in my future? Me too - scary). That I love being followed around the house. And how I could easily put the little rotters out of the house when they do their Olympic tryouts on my bed in the middle of the night.
And there is my baby - who had the nerve to turn 5 two weeks ago. Who won't stop growing. Who performed in a ballet show on a BIG stage at one of the Universities last week. Sure, she was only on stage twice for 2 minutes, but holy cow. When did she get so big.
And the boy? The boy gets dressed by himself in the morning. Sure, it's not always appropriate clothing (how on earth does he always find the only things I wouldn't want him to wear to school?) but he gets up, pees, brushes teeth, gets dressed. By himself. Without the pleading/nagging/beseeching of years gone by. And then pours himself half a box of Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast (there's a stock tip for you - at 7 1/2 he's eating us out of house and home already and Honey Nut Cheerios are his favorite thing right now).
My cousin had a baby - which has moved me this week. In ways I am not ready to talk about yet. Even to myself.
I am still grappling with our choice of school for the kids, second guessing, wondering, thinking I need to do something different. Remember when you just went to the local school for better or worse?
And what am I going to be when I grow up? I have 15 months until Julia starts Grade 1. Shouldn't I be doing something about that?
Hmmm. Maybe a shower and a second cup of coffee are in order this cold rainy morning.
See? I told you I didn't have much to say...
Friday, May 08, 2009
I am such a twit
I just updated my status on Facebook to
"Tracy is stressed because we haven't ordered flowers for the MIL yet. This is not good.(Now if I could ditch my bad attitude already and order them I wouldn't have to stress. I do know this.)"
And then? I realized that my husband's cousin is one of my friends. As in cousin who's parents live 2 streets from my in-laws. And he is friends with other cousins. Do you see a shampoo ad here or what? And he told two family members, and they told two family members...
Hopefully he has better things to do with his day than check my facebook status.
I have to stay away from facebook. Oh yeah, and order some damn flowers.
"Tracy is stressed because we haven't ordered flowers for the MIL yet. This is not good.(Now if I could ditch my bad attitude already and order them I wouldn't have to stress. I do know this.)"
And then? I realized that my husband's cousin is one of my friends. As in cousin who's parents live 2 streets from my in-laws. And he is friends with other cousins. Do you see a shampoo ad here or what? And he told two family members, and they told two family members...
Hopefully he has better things to do with his day than check my facebook status.
I have to stay away from facebook. Oh yeah, and order some damn flowers.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
trying it on for size
I went back to see my therapist this morning, after a year-long absence. Things the last few months have gotten progressively hairier around here and I felt that perhaps I needed a bit of a space to talk to someone not involved.
She said something to me - something that I am sure has been said to me before but hasn't sunk in - that I am really trying to take away from the hour.
She said: "It's your job to keep them safe, not to make them happy."
Obviously this in reference to my children. And while I of course want to be the kind of mother that they are happy with, their emotions are their own. I can't control their moods.
In my constant need to assure myself of my children's happy, joy-filled, nurturing childhood experience I often lose sight of the fact that I can't be everything. And that I can't control everything and anything that might happen to them.
And often - far too often - I feel frustrated with them. With their failure to appreciate how much I do. How much I "sacrifice" of myself (and my sanity). And then, more frequently than I care to admit, I lose my cool. Which makes none of us happy.
So I'm going to work on that Safe thing for now. And see how it goes. I don't know how long I'll last but it feels like a bit of a relief to be putting down the burden of guaranteeing their happiness for today.
She said something to me - something that I am sure has been said to me before but hasn't sunk in - that I am really trying to take away from the hour.
She said: "It's your job to keep them safe, not to make them happy."
Obviously this in reference to my children. And while I of course want to be the kind of mother that they are happy with, their emotions are their own. I can't control their moods.
In my constant need to assure myself of my children's happy, joy-filled, nurturing childhood experience I often lose sight of the fact that I can't be everything. And that I can't control everything and anything that might happen to them.
And often - far too often - I feel frustrated with them. With their failure to appreciate how much I do. How much I "sacrifice" of myself (and my sanity). And then, more frequently than I care to admit, I lose my cool. Which makes none of us happy.
So I'm going to work on that Safe thing for now. And see how it goes. I don't know how long I'll last but it feels like a bit of a relief to be putting down the burden of guaranteeing their happiness for today.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Really, I am usually pretty fun
So - I haven't posted in almost a month... wow, where did the time go?
Hmmm. Husband travelling. Hockey practices and tournaments, ballet classes, illness, mornings at school, school council shenanigans (oh our lovely treasurer!! He is a post all on his own, I really need to get to that one!)... in other words, life in general.
Remember our evil contractor ??? On Friday he served me with papers from Small Claims Court. He is claiming the money from the cheque that we put a stop payment on (since we had to use it to pay someone else to FINISH the job) as well as - get this! - an additional $960 for three days he claims he never billed us!! Absurd!! We were paying him every week (like the idiots we were!) so unless there are days he was here that I wasn't I don't know where that could come from... he's so frickin crooked, or so frickin stupid if he can't bill people properly.
Of course we have no bills from him, no additional quote for the "extra" work he claimed should take no more than a handful of days etc. And we will be filing a defence thank you very much. We've already had a technician (from an authorized dealer) regarding the air exchanger that he spend 3 days moving and "fixing". Guess what? To move it should have taken 4.5 hours. And by the way - the reason that the previous owner, real estate agent and the house inspector said it didn't work was because THE ENGINE HAD SEIZED - a long time ago. So tricking us into thinking he'd "fixed" it was pretty low - no?
I know, I am an idiot. By the end I would have done anything to get him out of my house.
Well that started on Friday night (because hey - let's serve you at 5pm on a Friday when you can't do anything but stew about it for the weekend!).
Saturday was actually a great day... our friends Myles and Cathie were in town from Luxembourg (on their way to a family wedding in the Dominican Republic, I am so hoping Cathie reads this while drinking a mojito for me!) and came by for dinner (smoked meat, birthday cake and hockey playoffs... good fun!). It was so so so good to see them, it had been going on two years (longer for Myles as he was in Afghanistan when we left Luxembourg) and yet it felt like no time had passed.
Saturday also brought about two new additions to our family... Josie and Minuit, two 5 week old kittens who were rescued from between a shed and a fence where their mother had given birth to them. They are adorable... Josie is black and white and Minuit is completely black - for now at least, there is obviously some tabby in them waiting to come out.
Sunday was good but things went wrong at 10 pm when Josie managed to get her claws in my eyeball. Ouch. (I don't know, it's me, these things just happen to me. What can I say). A visit to the pharmacy resulted in a visit to the ER room (holy cow, those pharmacists can really scare you!). Oh the joy of finding the ER in the dark, especially since someone at our hospital has a strange sense of humour, staggering signs all over the place so you are never sure where to go... the wait to see a doctor was 7+ hours (!!) so the triage nurse and I decided I could come back in the morning, since I would probably only be an hour or two later than if I sat there all night.
So back I went Monday morning and waited 4.5 hours to be told that there was a tiny scratch on my cornea, that most of it was in the white of my eye and here was a prescription for antibiotic drops should I get an infection, which I probably wouldn't (and don't have so far- yippee!). I could launch into a diatribe about what is wrong with the Canadian medical system but really - what would it accomplish? Our healthcare sucks.
Monday afternoon - migraine!! Oh the fun!
Monday night to Tuesday morning - Julia up with a cold and high fever.
Tuesday - Julia home. Now I have the fever.
Tuesday night to Wednesday morning - WHY are there 4 people sleeping in my bed? And what is lodged in my throat.
Wednesday - everyone but Marc home sick. Why are sick kids so loud?
I know, fun times people, fun times. I think I need to put it all down some days to realize why I never get anything done around here.
And now back to laundry... that I am getting through!! Thank heavens for small mercies!
Hmmm. Husband travelling. Hockey practices and tournaments, ballet classes, illness, mornings at school, school council shenanigans (oh our lovely treasurer!! He is a post all on his own, I really need to get to that one!)... in other words, life in general.
Remember our evil contractor ??? On Friday he served me with papers from Small Claims Court. He is claiming the money from the cheque that we put a stop payment on (since we had to use it to pay someone else to FINISH the job) as well as - get this! - an additional $960 for three days he claims he never billed us!! Absurd!! We were paying him every week (like the idiots we were!) so unless there are days he was here that I wasn't I don't know where that could come from... he's so frickin crooked, or so frickin stupid if he can't bill people properly.
Of course we have no bills from him, no additional quote for the "extra" work he claimed should take no more than a handful of days etc. And we will be filing a defence thank you very much. We've already had a technician (from an authorized dealer) regarding the air exchanger that he spend 3 days moving and "fixing". Guess what? To move it should have taken 4.5 hours. And by the way - the reason that the previous owner, real estate agent and the house inspector said it didn't work was because THE ENGINE HAD SEIZED - a long time ago. So tricking us into thinking he'd "fixed" it was pretty low - no?
I know, I am an idiot. By the end I would have done anything to get him out of my house.
Well that started on Friday night (because hey - let's serve you at 5pm on a Friday when you can't do anything but stew about it for the weekend!).
Saturday was actually a great day... our friends Myles and Cathie were in town from Luxembourg (on their way to a family wedding in the Dominican Republic, I am so hoping Cathie reads this while drinking a mojito for me!) and came by for dinner (smoked meat, birthday cake and hockey playoffs... good fun!). It was so so so good to see them, it had been going on two years (longer for Myles as he was in Afghanistan when we left Luxembourg) and yet it felt like no time had passed.
Saturday also brought about two new additions to our family... Josie and Minuit, two 5 week old kittens who were rescued from between a shed and a fence where their mother had given birth to them. They are adorable... Josie is black and white and Minuit is completely black - for now at least, there is obviously some tabby in them waiting to come out.
Sunday was good but things went wrong at 10 pm when Josie managed to get her claws in my eyeball. Ouch. (I don't know, it's me, these things just happen to me. What can I say). A visit to the pharmacy resulted in a visit to the ER room (holy cow, those pharmacists can really scare you!). Oh the joy of finding the ER in the dark, especially since someone at our hospital has a strange sense of humour, staggering signs all over the place so you are never sure where to go... the wait to see a doctor was 7+ hours (!!) so the triage nurse and I decided I could come back in the morning, since I would probably only be an hour or two later than if I sat there all night.
So back I went Monday morning and waited 4.5 hours to be told that there was a tiny scratch on my cornea, that most of it was in the white of my eye and here was a prescription for antibiotic drops should I get an infection, which I probably wouldn't (and don't have so far- yippee!). I could launch into a diatribe about what is wrong with the Canadian medical system but really - what would it accomplish? Our healthcare sucks.
Monday afternoon - migraine!! Oh the fun!
Monday night to Tuesday morning - Julia up with a cold and high fever.
Tuesday - Julia home. Now I have the fever.
Tuesday night to Wednesday morning - WHY are there 4 people sleeping in my bed? And what is lodged in my throat.
Wednesday - everyone but Marc home sick. Why are sick kids so loud?
I know, fun times people, fun times. I think I need to put it all down some days to realize why I never get anything done around here.
And now back to laundry... that I am getting through!! Thank heavens for small mercies!
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